Still trying to get rid of that day job…
I’m one of a million actors living in LA. I’ve been struggling to be a working actor for 9 years now. During those 9 years I was a host on a late night national TV show called “IZ”, have appeared on General Hospital twice, did a short bit on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, did one national, a couple regional and one foreign commercial, did stand-up comedy for two years and appeared in many indie films.
During that time I also worked in the dot-com world (as a developer/technical director) where I met and married my dream girl, got laid off three times, was offered six figures to work for Stan Lee Media (which I turned down), missed my chance to become a millionaire (by turning down stock options personally offered to me), got fired, attended many USELESS meetings and a couple wild company parties and acquired enough inter-office stories to create three feature films.
Now I’m in major debt, still doing web development work and still acting while restoring a 1912 Craftsman Bungalow with my wife, two corgis and three cats.
In gearing up for my show that opens up this friday - “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Asian Men“, I will post one essay, every day, that I wrote in the workshop. This first one was actually my application essay for acceptance into the workshop.
I now bear my soul here:
The Search for Identity.
As I close my eyes I remember this scene from a Jackie Chan movie where Jackie Chan is standing on top of a big grassy hill in a forest screaming “Who am I?” This is what my inner self has been screaming inside my head for most of my life, and the answer still eludes me. I find myself drawn to movies and stories such as the Matrix, Bourne Identity, and the X-Men because I feel these stories have similar themes to my life. They are all about self discovery, the search for identity and purpose, embracing who you are, discovering hidden skills and talents and using them to positively influence the world around you. These stories serve as inspiration for my life’s journey.
As I search for identity, what I do know is this: I am an American-born half-Chinese, half-Filipino, first-born son. My father is from the bustling city of Hong Kong and my mother is from the island of Bohol. I grew up in both Delaware and Pennsylvania and moved to Los Angeles six years ago.
For most of my life, the only Asian influence that I had was my immediate family. All my relatives were in Hong Kong, or the Philippines and would visit every once in a while, but basically my immediate family was it. Because my mother spoke Besian and my father spoke Cantonese, English was the only language spoken in our house unless my mother or father spoke to relatives. During my childhood, on two occasions, my parents took us to both Hong Kong and the Philippines to show us where our family is from. It was pretty eye opening to see how different my parents grew up from each other, and how different those cultures are to America. It was nice to visit, but to us children, we were American and we liked our home in America better.
As I entered high-school, I started having an identity crisis. This is the period of my life I like to call “Asian and confused”. There were only 5 Asians in the entire school and I was the only Asian in my grade. I spent my entire high-school career trying to shrug off the Asian stereotype. Being Asian wasn’t cool. Asians were foreign and weird. They spoke weird languages, didn’t know how to dress and didn’t know how to be cool - or at least this was the message I got from TV, movies and other people. Because of this, I didn’t want to be Asian and I did everything I could to disassociate myself from my heritage. I didn’t want to ever be seen with my parents because they were Asian. I never wanted my parents to speak to me or my friends outside of the house because they had accents. I didn’t want to go to Chinese restaurants or be around anything remotely Asian. I never wanted to be seen with Asian people. Not even my family.
I always had problems approaching women, thinking that they would reject me because I was Asian. The thought of being rejected for something I couldn’t change just devastated me. So I tried to be “white” and assimilate into the culture, but that wasn’t good enough. I wanted to be something more. Then it happened. The sounds and fashions of New Jack Swing emerged - and between 1989 and 1991 I totally transformed myself. I became the coolest Asian guy on the planet. I sported the latest fashions, used the latest street slang, walked with a strut, talked with a deep voice, knew all the lyrics to all the hits and could out dance anyone on the dance floor. I had arrived. I had transcended the stereotypes and become something more than just Asian. I was Asian on the outside, but black on the inside. I finally had an identity. I was the smoothest, best dressed, best dancer in the school. But my insecurities still persisted and my ego was still fragile. I still had something to prove. I wanted everyone in the entire school to know just how “cool” I was. So at the end of my senior year I entered myself into the school’s talent show and choreographed an entire hip-hop dance routine. That night, I had the entire school chanting my name and cheering me on. It was the ultimate high, it gave me validation and now I had something to prove to the world - that I could be just as “cool” as everyone else.
Many years have passed since that incredible night and in a lot of ways I am a completely different person. But even as an adult, I still carry some of the same fears and insecurities I had growing up - and I still struggle with self identity. What has changed is that I am now proud of who I am and embrace my heritage. I now wish to learn more about my family and my roots but my inner self is still asking the question, “Who am I?” and “How do I fit into this world?
Other Known Facts.
My Chinese name is Chiu Da-Wei which means “reaching for the essence”. The important things in my life are my wife, my faith, family, health, fitness, success, having a voice, creative freedom and life-long learning. I draw inspiration from many different places because of my many interests. I am inspired when people overcome great struggles or break through seemingly impossible boundaries. I am inspired when people really connect with their skills and talents and give all they’ve got, not afraid to let their passion and feelings show through their work. I am inspired by people who are extraordinarily clever and creative and can produce work that combines both art and science. I am inspired by incredible feats of the mind, body and spirit.
As for my hopes and dreams, I wish for a happy, prosperous life where I can grow old with my wife. I wish for a successful career in both art and business. I wish to be able to influence the world in a positive, creative way. More specifically, I want to break stereotypes. I want to have a voice. I want to tweak ideas people have in their heads and make them think. I want to be able to show and express full passion, sensuality and emotion. I want people to see that there is more to me than meets the eye. I want to tell my story.
I have many interests which span across art, science, health and fitness. I gain my excitement by learning, mixing and experimenting in these different fields. Some of my interests include music, music production, acting, filmmaking, psychology, marketing, business, computers, computer science, electronics, holistic medicine, religion, bodybuilding, martial arts, dance, technology, snowboarding, and indoor rock climbing.
With all my dreams and aspirations, I am terrified that I will never accomplish anything. I have a fear of failure in my career and creative endeavors. I fear of ending up alone without having someone to love or be loved. I fear of this brave new world that is unfolding before our eyes with all it’s insecurities in career, health and life. I fear of all the negative impacts that come with all the breakthroughs and advancements in science. I fear I will never reach my full potential.
In general, I am a pretty laid-back person and it takes a lot to really make me mad, but there are some things that I just can’t stand. Racism is the biggest one with stereotypes being a close second. Racism boils my blood. The only thing that could make me just as mad is if someone did any harm to my family. I also hate scam artists and people who try to take advantage of others. Arrogant people also make me mad as well as ignorant and condescending people.
Even though I still don’t have an answer to the question “who am I?”, what I have learned is this: life is a journey to be cherished and shared with those who love you.
I loved this essay too!!! Only my boss came in while I was reading it.
Does Heather rock climb???
I am very impressed by your hopes and dreams list and that you have such a wide range of interests.
I really enjoyed these essays.
Just surfed in. Well, since I never grew up in a predominantly white community (I’m from South East Asia), I can pretty much imagine the type of identity crisis you went through in school. I speak more english than chinese, read English literature (can’t read mandarin) and listen to English songs, but yet, I do feel proud to be Chinese and to known who I am at the end of the day. I was reading though a message board some time back and there was this half asian girl who told everyone how she hated being half asian, because to her, being asian (albeit only half) denotes several stereotypes which I wiill not mention here. Well, wish you well in your endeavors. Hope to hear about you in the news one day. Cheers! Maya
Gosh, I didn’t proof-read my post before i sent it. Sorry for the numerous typos.
While surfing the web, I came across your website. I don’t believe it is by accident. After reading your essay #1 “The Search for Identity”, it occurs to me that I have just finished reading a wonderful book that will help you find your true identity and live up to your full potential in life as an actor or any other career you choose. It is a book written by Rick Warren called “The Purpose Driven Life”. David, you will find it to be a book well worth your time and an answer to what you’ve been searching for. I promise. My best to you and for a life worth living.
Wow. You are amazing. I accidently surfed onto this site well…because we share the same name! My American name is also David Chiu and what’s also amazing is that we share many of the same interests. Also I want to say that this is an excellent site and please continue to persevere in everything that you do. Best wishes to you and yours.
You remind me of myself. I’ve had similar experiences
Anyhows, take care
Loved your journal. Loved your comedy. My best wishes to you in all that you do. I’ve been feeling the call of the comedian in me and am seriously looking toward obtaining that goal. You are a great inspiration. I hope to see more of you in the future in what ever you decide to do.
Good Luck, Luana~*
Thank you Luana. Good luck to you too and never give up on your dreams!
Dear David
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt memoirs which I found to run in parallel with my life in some areas.
I admire your honesty. I wish more men could just speak out like women. You really seem like a good person which is not something I dole out too easily in this day and age. Your wife and friends must be blessed.
I am still torn about who I am. I have even travelled back to Asia to become more accepted. Without trying to sound racist but many Asians worship whites over there. They consider overseas Chinese inferior, spoilt and dumb. But a white high school dropout with a fake degree who is overweight,manic depressive with piercings will find a job teaching there than from a BBC Chinese with two degrees from prestigious universities in England. They (Asians)are just starstruck, ‘oh, you have such white skin.’. What I am trying to say is that Asians are even racist against their own peoples. I have seen ads where it says’ Caucasian/Whites only in Taiwan.’ I wonder what this says about Asians in general. I would wish we could have more faith and confidence in ourselves in a positive way rather than feel ashamed or inferior to other races. Let’s try to depend on ourselves more alright Asians! Look out for your brothers and sisters. Send us a smile not a scowl. Asian men be more chivalrous (women love it), Asian women stop gossiping and giving bitchy looks because you feel insecure. I hope that you may bring light to this situation in your routine one day if you are already aware of this situation. I think comedy is an effective platform to shed light on the injustices of our ‘evolved’ society.
By the way, keep up the good work! You should think of writing.
Hi, David
I enjoyed reading your essay. Good writing, by the way. The reason I ended up on your website is because I’m also trying to find my identity, most specifically, through that of my dad’s lost lineage. My dad (Carlos Chiu) was the only son of a successful business owner from China who immigrated to the Philippines. Unfortunately, my dad was only about 1 or 2 years old when his father died. His mother (my Spanish-blooded grandmother) re-married and broke off ties that connected my dad to his Chinese (Cantonese) relatives. My dad seldom spoke about the hole that he feels inside of him that come from not knowing or not having associated with the “other” side of him. Now, here I am, an American, trying to find out whatever I can because there’s so much missing. My quest has just begun, but a vision of another Chiu out there, such as yours, just brings me joy and hope. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to reading more. Good luck in your search.
All the best,
Carolyn Chiu Curson
Thanks for sharing, it’s quite interesting to see inside someone else’s journey. Good luck!!!
Thanks for sharing, it’s quite interesting to see inside someone else’s journey. Good luck!!!
*S*
YOU ARE SO STUPID DAVID CHIU
hi oh mi god i really like u!
I know of this fear you speak of ,mine threatens to devour me,but you know what i will not allow it, ive come too far and i have too much to live for.You seem to be a surviver,a stong person.I dont think for one second that your fears will become a reality,your wife is proof of that,i wish you the best in all that you do and aspire to do David.The sky is your limit!
This is a very enlightening post. Thank you for sharing these personal thoughts and experiences in public forum. It is enlightening to learn about an Asian-American man.s thoughts on race and identity. I am African-American and grew up in a predominantly white middle-class suburb and have had very little opportunity to learn the issues and concerns of people of Asian descent in the US (well continental US as I now live in Hawaii with PLENTY of Asian people but that.s a whole other conversation!).
I am embarrassed to admit falling into the .model minority. trap with respect to my past half-formed thoughts about Asian-Americans. I basically thought Asian people had few if any problems within the US and lived shiny happy lives of over-achievement and family oriented bliss . Things sure are complex aren.t they.
surfing on the web i met this page. is interesting declaration about” Who I’m ” I red the introduction and i looked into me and I made de same question. Who I’m?
I’m myself, i love myself better than otherelse in order that if I love myself means i love others.
Others are who aren’t artist, and who things most in material way, money, success, or to show be someone.
In my opinion there’s nothing to do, but only to wayt the events, and take the plange.
I’m happy. The secret of life is… a big smile to your anemy, if you got one.
Wild
Dear David,
I have the same insecurities and fears in spite of accomplishments like writing a book, appearing in Life Magazine as “one of the few(female)fighters(pro boxer)who put on make-up before entering the ring…” and being a Penthouse Centerfold. Like you, I am afraid of running out of time before I get as good as I want to be in acting, hip-hop, ballroom, JuiJitsu, photography, graphic arts etc. But I think what really matters is not so much to excell at something but to have a project or dream that wakes you up in the morning inspiring you to charge into the day enjoying life with friends and loved ones. Look at how happy Elvis or Marlon Brando were and they were excellent in their arts. Thanks for your essay and by the way I love your photo, where did you get it done? Christine Dupree
Dear David,
After reading your Identity essay, I
am touched, an? empathatic at the same time. I am an Asian American woman, and actress as well. I can relate to your experience, the sadness, and pain of having faced with racism in this country. And also the shame feeling of the outside make you feel like something id wrong with you, and make you have to try to porve so much, to be just as good, or better. But I’ve come to realize now. That I am good enough, and you are good enough.That you don’t have to try to prove anything to anyone, and carrying that pain around with you to look for approval, and acceptance will only hurt you in your life, and no one else’s. You must let go of that , pain, and anger in order to feel good about yourself, and begin to have more self confidence.I understand that anger can drive you to be more ambitious, but it can also blind you to practical reality to where you missed opportunities of financial gains, and that’s not good. Just trust that you are a lovely man, and human being, and maybe you can seperate the diffirnce between what you do for a living and actual life. The acting realm is made of of fantasies. Real life is made up of practicalities, what’s wise, and real for you. I think you are a very full person regardless. And your identity is not attached to you the actor, or the “Asian” man. I’ve learned this much.. that you must know who you are, and no matter what the outside world( other people) cannot dictate your behaviors, or how you should feel about yourself. You must find your core values, and things that you love about yourself, so that you can be strong and not be affected by the outside environment.Because that is all negative energy. AS an actor, I leraned to seperate my work when I am done, although sometimes it takes some time to come out of character, but then I train myself to know when it is time to work, the fantasy realm, and when to go back into living my life the “Reality”. It is difficult, but the seperation must be made or you will have a hard time coping with life. And I know it’s hard to do, but over time you can train yourself. Put all your torments, and de epest passion into your work, then live with the best of you in life with not being an actor. And enjoy the process of life, acting, and keep your eyes open to not missing financial opportunities anymore. I hope you can find some comfort in what I say, and put to rest what happened so long ago. It is the past, and live in the moment. I hope that you’ll find peace with your inner demons, and use all that to put into somthing good and productive , and give it all back to them in a healthy way, and still remain happy and not torture yoursefl emotionally anymore. And at the same time can still fibd reasons to love yourself whether if you are the highest paid actor in Hollywood or not. and just be happy and live your best life. Money does not measure talent, and th?t’s true in Hollywood, look at Merryl Streep, she is not making $20 million dollars per movie, look at the ridiculous Cameron Diaz, a catalog , bimbo model is commanding $15 million per movie. I hope this proves to you that not everything in life is where it should really be,and certianly not in Hollywood. It’s a busianess where it’s all about selling a product!! And yes as actors we are just a commodity, if packaged correctly, with the right promotion we can be going any where, and making alot of money, but they’rs still unhappy, so you have to decide what kind of an actor do you want to be? Hollywood is 10% about talent, and the rest is what the outside people make it to be, if they want, so it’s a game, and that’s it, and you must know this, don’t you? Are you a real actor, who wants to be respected for his work? or do you want to be sold as the next big thing, and really have nothing to back it up with, make your money fast, and then someone else will replace you in a few years!! Longevity is the game in acting. Staying power means you can really act. That’s what I rather be, because that’s who I am and that’s what I do for a living. Don’t get caught up in the thins athat are fake, not real, and ephemeral. Just enjoy what you do, love it, and if you can support yourself steadily then that’s good, but don’t kill yourself for it, if fame doesn’t happen. There are alot of real, talented actors who are working and people don’t even know who they are!! So I say fuck them, live your life , do and enjoy your work, and jsut make yourself happy and that’s it. Because you know yourself. And nobody knows you like you know you!!Try to have a healthy balance between life and work.Good luck with your work, and enjoy your life too.
Mimi
Hey David,
I ran into your sit and just loving it man! I’m glad to hear that someone like me is going through the same thing. I wish you the best of luck!
-Wa
Great site… keep up the blogging. I can definately relate with your struggles, but remember, the glass is half full. Hope to see you in a feature film one day…
David, reading this really inspired me and gave me focus. I’m a 21 year old student and in a lot of ways I recognize myself as a younger you — with the same inspirations, dreams, and insecurities. It’s so rewarding reading stories that you can really connect with. Thank you for sharing everything!