David Chiu

“When did I take the last dose?”

It was three months after Sept 11 and I had just returned from my nightly workout at the gym and decided to take another dose of the latest bodybuilding thermogenic “supplement” MD5. I was well within the safe dosage and have had experience taking these drugs before. There should be no danger. I told myself.

There I was sitting on the couch devouring the second half of a homemade berry pie piled high with whip cream while watching TV, when a weird sensation started to come over me. I suddenly became hyper aware of my heartbeat. My heart was beating fast and hard and I could feel the artery in my neck pulsing with every beat. At that moment, I panicked.

“Crap. I’ve taken too much and now I’m going to have a heart attack.”

“I need to get to the ER quick!”

I hurriedly placed the pie on the table and stood up. For a moment, I hesitated, but then blurted out, “babe, we need to go to the hospital NOW!”

My wife quickly emerged from the other room,

“What?!?!”

She looked at me with concern and confusion.

“I think I’ve OD’d on the pills and we need to go to the emergency room before I have a heart attack.” I replied in a very hurried but matter of fact way.

“You’re not having a heart attack.” She responded with frustration and disbelief.

“Yes I am and if you don’t take me to the hospital, I will drive myself.”

I was starting to lose my composure as I stood there, frustrated that my wife was not taking me seriously. It’s not as if this was a daily occurrence. I knew that I was about to have a heart attack and I needed to get help immediately.

“Ok.We’ll go to the hospital,. she said as she went to get her shoes.

My mind was racing with thoughts of fear. Was I about to die? Was I prepared to die? What have I accomplished in my life? What was going to happen? What was my wife going to do? This can’t be it. I haven’t accomplished my dreams. I haven’t got my life in order. I haven’t been the best husband that I could be. I haven’t been the best son I could be. I haven’t been the best Christian I could be. I never had a chance to make my parents proud of me. I was destined to be something great. I was destined to be a leader. This is what I’ve been told all my life. My life was supposed to make an impact. This would be stupid if I died this way. My parents and my wife told me not to take these stupid pills. They’re going to be very angry if I died this way.

JUST STAY CALM. I told myself. Relax. Control your breathing with deep breaths.

Luckily, the nearest hospital was only 2 miles away. I had never been in the ER before, and I’ve never had any major operations. I couldn’t believe all this was happening. My vanity and pursuit of the “perfect body” was now going to end on a gurney in the ER. How pathetic. We entered the ER and I was instructed to fill out a couple of forms. I was trying to stay in a meditative state and hold out long enough for the doctors to help me.

The nurse appeared from the other room and called my name. “Finally” - I told myself. If I have a heart attack now, at least they can help me.

The nurse asked what the problem was and I told her that I might have OD’d on ephedrine. She placed me on a stretcher and hooked me up to an EKG meter. After a couple of minutes a doctor came over to see me. After the standard diagnostics of checking my eyes, breathing and pulse he spoke:

“You’re fine. You’re heartbeat is slightly elevated but I don’t see any problems. What did you take?”

“This.” - I showed the doctor the bottle of pills.

As he read the ingredients list he commented. “Ma Hwang/Ephedrine too many people are taking these herbal supplements with ephedrine and they’re not safe. I suggest you stop taking these. If you want to lose weight, just eat well and exercise.” My wife appeared by my side and responded to the doctor, “I told him not to take these pills but he always insists that he knows what he’s doing.”

“Well I’m not going to take them anymore” I said as I tossed the bottle in the trash.

Within the next 8 months I would return to the ER twice, visit the doctor twice and be affected by a myriad of diseases and symptoms. I was the healthiest dying person that the doctors had ever seen. Then with the persuasion of my wife, I started to realize and admit that I was having panic attacks. I think Sept 11 and the news thereafter had shattered my sense of security living in America. For years I had stored all my emotions inside and worn the mask of calmness and confidence. My psyche could hold it no longer and my emotions were manifesting themselves in my physical being. Now I’m on the journey to recovery by discovering myself and the emotions I’ve held deep inside.