I started writing this poem about two years ago as part of my Smooth Butter Love project. Recently a friend of mine wanted to play around with some new recording gear he had so we threw down this track during lunch one day. It’s still rough, but I wanted to give people a little taste of the Smooth Butter Love…
Search Results for '"audio'
Today ended with 500 page views and one new bid of $43. That’s +265 page views from yesterday. The guerrilla marketing campaign seems to be working but I’ve noticed there is hardly any conversion from eBay to my website. So I’ve decided to add a couple links to some of my audio and video clips. I’ve also received no comments or questions from my auction or website - though I’ve received emails from other actors and a few producers/directors I know who think my idea is innovative and original.
I know that what I’m proposing is a little crazy and unconventional for the normal Holywood production process. The only way that this kind of campaign would be gauranteed to work is under the wing of a well connected PR company such as PMK/HBH. But heck, if some no-talent hack reality-tv “star” can get a role in a movie or guest-star on a TV show, why couldn’t I? PLUS, I’m giving away the proceeds to charity!!! Then again, there are all the technical details that would need to be worked out such as how do SAG, AFTRA and my agents fit in. But my mantra is:
I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I’ve spent the last few days working non-stop on freelance projects which I still need to complete - plus there might be more freelance projects coming up. I am very thankful for the abundance of work that is available to me, but I’m started to feel stifled as an actor. I try to balance it by listening to motivational audio programs on confidence and achieving your dreams. I debate on whether or not I should stop doing freelance altogether. It’s good money but it leaves me with less time to fully dedicate my attention to acting. The caveat is that I need the freelance to pay debt and keep up with our bills. But I have this idea…
I’ve started journaling on paper again as a way to write down thoughts quickly at any time and also minimize the chance of being distracted by email or the internet. Seems to be working pretty good.
I’m still hitting the gym pretty hard. I’m finding I stil have great motivation to transform my body. I’m lifting heavier and heavier every week. Steady progress. It feels great. I’m noticing more definition around my upper chest and shoulder area where there is less bodyfat. I’ve also canceled my garage parking pass for work to force me to walk 15min into work in the morning. I’m also walking for an hour during lunch around the airport. It’s a nice walk and it helps burn extra calories.
I called an psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders last week. I started debating on whether I should get professional help to treat my stage fright and self esteem issues. Turns out that therapy is way too expensive at the moment. Instead I’ve told myself that I can beat this psychological hang-up just like John Nash overcame schizophrenia. I actually started using a psychological method of self-talk and actually speaking to myself addressing my inner critic and negative thoughts which hold me back. I’ve been talking to myself during my walks at lunch. It feels a little crazy at first but then I realize that when I use my bluetooth headset it looks like I’m talking to myself anyway so what’s the difference.
On Sunday my scene in acting class went 100% better. No sweating this time - although it was freezing in Santa Monica on Sunday. Overall the critque was that we needed more practice and work more on developing our “actions” and relationship.
0 CommentsI’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I’ve spent the last few days working non-stop on freelance projects which I still need to complete - plus there might be more freelance projects coming up. I am very thankful for the abundance of work that is available to me, but I’m started to feel stifled as an actor. I try to balance it by listening to motivational audio programs on confidence and achieving your dreams. I debate on whether or not I should stop doing freelance altogether. It’s good money but it leaves me with less time to fully dedicate my attention to acting. The caveat is that I need the freelance to pay debt and keep up with our bills. But I have this idea…
I’ve started journaling on paper again as a way to write down thoughts quickly at any time and also minimize the chance of being distracted by email or the internet. Seems to be working pretty good.
I’m still hitting the gym pretty hard. I’m finding I stil have great motivation to transform my body. I’m lifting heavier and heavier every week. Steady progress. It feels great. I’m noticing more definition around my upper chest and shoulder area where there is less bodyfat. I’ve also canceled my garage parking pass for work to force me to walk 15min into work in the morning. I’m also walking for an hour during lunch around the airport. It’s a nice walk and it helps burn extra calories.
I called an psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders last week. I started debating on whether I should get professional help to treat my stage fright and self esteem issues. Turns out that therapy is way too expensive at the moment. Instead I’ve told myself that I can beat this psychological hang-up just like John Nash overcame schizophrenia. I actually started using a psychological method of self-talk and actually speaking to myself addressing my inner critic and negative thoughts which hold me back. I’ve been talking to myself during my walks at lunch. It feels a little crazy at first but then I realize that when I use my bluetooth headset it looks like I’m talking to myself anyway so what’s the difference.
On Sunday my scene in acting class went 100% better. No sweating this time - although it was freezing in Santa Monica on Sunday. Overall the critque was that we needed more practice and work more on developing our “actions” and relationship.
0 CommentsA week ago my wife and I were talking about my acting career - or lack thereof. She asked why my script readings still sound like I’m “acting”. Especially since I spent two years of training in “the method“. Well that next Sunday I received a brilliant critique on my work as an actor from my scene study coach - Lisa Clarkson. She said that in the few weeks she has worked with me she has seen me try to force emotions, rely on theatrical performance and generally have problems connecting and living truthfully in a scene. She theorized that this could only be because I don’t trust that I’m enough. I don’t trust that being honest and true in my emotions and reactions in a scene, that I can be a good actor - or even a great actor.
Her statements struck me like a knife. Not only was she completely right, but it was the exact reiteration of what my wife told me a week ago. I lack personal confidence. I don’t think I’m enough, and this idea affects my behaviour not only on stage but also in life. It’s obvious when I look at how I behave in life. I don’t have the confidence to just be myself, so instead I try to play different characters or personalities to be viewed in a certain way or be accepted or to fit in. I’m too concerned about people’s perception of who they think I am. I try too hard to NOT fit into a stereotype. I end up not being true to myself or to others.
If I cannot conquer this fear of inadequacy I will end up limiting myself as an actor and as a person. So this is now my challenge: To overcome my feelings of insecurity and transform myself into a person who is completely confident, connected and truthfull in life and on stage.
The only problem is - where do I start? How do I conquer my fears? How do I gain self confidence?
I remember hearing about a book on positive thinking so I searched Amazon.com and found “The Power of Positive Thinking“. I also remembered hearing about the motivational speaker Tony Robbins so I searched google and found the series “Get The Edge“. I’ve only started listening to these two audiobooks but I am completely inspired to transform my body, my mind, my life and my career through the art of positive thinking.
0 CommentsThat was the summary of the critique I received in my acting class yesterday. It cut me to the core but she was absolutely, brilliantly correct. Within the two months I have been in class Lisa has watched me push emotions and be theatrical on stage. She (along with my wife) have pointed out that when I’m acting, I have this different “acting” persona that’s fake and obvious. It became very clear when I once again performed the “Holden” monologue from Chasing Amy. It was clear that all my attention was on myself and my “emotions” and not trying to connect with the person in the scene. Lisa said it can only be one thing - I don’t think I’m enough. I don’t trust that I can behave truthfully in a scene and have it be interesting. I don’t trust that have the talent or ability to really act. The funny thing is, this is the second time I’ve heard these exact words. My wife and I recently have had a very similar discussion about my acting and how unreal it is at times. I don’t trust that I’m good enough. It’s so very true. So Lisa gave me the homework to look inside myself and try to figure out why I feel this way. She said that until I can figure this out and conquer it, this self-doubt will effect all of my work as an actor and as an artist. So this week I’m suppose to keep a daily journal about acting and my exploration of these feelings.
I started out by looking for audiobooks on confidence and positive thinking. I found “The Power of Positive Thinking” downloaded it and listened to it today at work. There are a lot of good suggestions in this book and one of them is to list out all the fears and negative thoughts that are behind the self-doubt.
So here goes. I release my doubts and fears here:
I don’t think I’m good enough. Maybe I just don’t have the talent or ability to really act.
I do have a complex being Asian. Being Asian has carried a lot of negative stereotypes growing up and I’ve spent most of my life trying to rise above those stereotypes. I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t still affect me.
I feel unattractive. I have a gut, I unknowingly make wierd faces when I act and sometimes I mumble.
I worry that maybe I am a little emotionaly retarded and can’t access my feeings. How am I suppose to be an actor if I can’t access my own feeling?
If I’m completely honest with myself, one of the biggest reasons I’ve pursued acting is for validation. Validation from my peers, validation from the public and validation from my parents that I can be successful in a non-traditional career. Is this a good enough reason to want to be an actor? Probably not. But honestly I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do. I just know I can’t be stuck in front of a computer in some cubicle in an office for the rest of my life. How unfulfilling of a life that would be. I want to experience life and share my experiences with others. I want to be able to touch people with my creative work. I want to learn to express myself completely and fully. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to connect with an audience during a performance a few times and when it happens it’s the best feeling in the world. Nothing can beat it.
So what’s the next step? I dunno. Maybe I’ll write some essays similar to the “Asian Men” workshop. That and I’ll listen to that book again on positive thinking.
2 CommentsI turned 32 today.
When I was in my 20’s, 30’s sounded old. Now that I’m in my 30’s, it doesn’t seem that old. I start to wonder though, what the hell Im doing with my life. I’m suppose to be a mature adult - but I don’t feel that way. I still feel like that small town kid from the suburbs of PA trying to fit in and find my way in the world.
H bought us tickets to the Hollywood Bowl tonight. It was my first time there. We had a lot of fun. We sat high up in the canyon looking down at the stage. We ordered lots of asian food and bought a bottle of wine which we drank before the show started. The night was beautiful with the stars and the fireworks display.
Tomorrow we will be going to see the King Tut exhibit at LACMA. It’s a secret, but I know about it since I’m post dating this entry. We will have a fun evening looking at artifacts and listening to our audio tour.
I guess this is all a sign of maturity. In my early 20’s, b-days were celebrated with food, friends and lots of alcohol. In my early 30’s b-day’s are celebrated privately with food, winel and the arts.
0 CommentsMy recent job termination has now been turned into a one week vacation with a nice little bonus since I now have booked another day job. I wish it was that easy to book acting jobs. I didn’t receive a callback for that Kodak commercial. No worries though. The short film that I’m in - and also have been editing, is now picture-locked. I met with Roy today to show him the latest edit and he gave it a thumbs up. Now we just have to finish adding some audio effects and the piece will be complete! We will also be starting auditions next weekend for the comedy pilot that Roy wrote. The material is good and could possibly be the vehicle that jump starts all our entertainment careers.
0 Comments
I went to Prospect Studios today to pickup my script for the show next week. When I arrived at the casting office and signed several pages of legal documents relinquishing my rights to my “image and likeness” to be used in conjunction with General Hospital and ABC they handed me a 162 page script labeled [SHOW #10756 & 10757]. I was kinda excited even though I knew I was being hired to do an under 5 part. Maybe I’m in a good scene where I get to interact with one of the regular characters and my performance will impress them enough to offer me a contract role as the new smooth and sexy young asian doctor. (that’s the fantasy at least).
So I open up the script and find…
My character is nothing but a glorified extra. My character is an “Audio Tech” sitting at a computer clicking the mouse.
So next Tues I will be doing exactly what I do everyday - sit in front of a computer, hit the keys on a keyboard and move the mouse. The only difference is that I will be sitting on a General Hospital soundstage being taped.
All of this would actually be ok if it was a national commercial where I’d get paid a lot of money in residuals. But it’s not. I can’t even put this kinda thing on my resume.
BUT… don’t it twisted. I’m excited to work on General Hospital and grateful for the opportunity.
0 CommentsTonight I spoke to my dad in Hong Kong using the audio chat feature in Yahoo Messenger. I was surprised how easy it was for my non-technical dad to use this feature and I was also suprised at how good the quality was. This is definitely a new world and a new way of life. In this digital world I can speak to my dad who is on the other side of the globe for free, just by using my wireless laptop while sitting in my den. I can also take a digital photo of myself to email to a photographer who needs to show a client that I can look “conservative” with my hair slicked back. I can also hold my entire journal, address/phone book, directions to studios, a couple albums of music, photos, a few feature length movies, todo lists, email and more - all in a tiny phone (my new gadget) that communicates to this tiny futuristic earpiece that enables me to walk around looking like I’m talking to myself.
0 Comments