A week ago my wife and I were talking about my acting career - or lack thereof. She asked why my script readings still sound like I’m “acting”. Especially since I spent two years of training in “the method“. Well that next Sunday I received a brilliant critique on my work as an actor from my scene study coach - Lisa Clarkson. She said that in the few weeks she has worked with me she has seen me try to force emotions, rely on theatrical performance and generally have problems connecting and living truthfully in a scene. She theorized that this could only be because I don’t trust that I’m enough. I don’t trust that being honest and true in my emotions and reactions in a scene, that I can be a good actor - or even a great actor.
Her statements struck me like a knife. Not only was she completely right, but it was the exact reiteration of what my wife told me a week ago. I lack personal confidence. I don’t think I’m enough, and this idea affects my behaviour not only on stage but also in life. It’s obvious when I look at how I behave in life. I don’t have the confidence to just be myself, so instead I try to play different characters or personalities to be viewed in a certain way or be accepted or to fit in. I’m too concerned about people’s perception of who they think I am. I try too hard to NOT fit into a stereotype. I end up not being true to myself or to others.
If I cannot conquer this fear of inadequacy I will end up limiting myself as an actor and as a person. So this is now my challenge: To overcome my feelings of insecurity and transform myself into a person who is completely confident, connected and truthfull in life and on stage.
The only problem is - where do I start? How do I conquer my fears? How do I gain self confidence?
I remember hearing about a book on positive thinking so I searched Amazon.com and found “The Power of Positive Thinking“. I also remembered hearing about the motivational speaker Tony Robbins so I searched google and found the series “Get The Edge“. I’ve only started listening to these two audiobooks but I am completely inspired to transform my body, my mind, my life and my career through the art of positive thinking.
That was the summary of the critique I received in my acting class yesterday. It cut me to the core but she was absolutely, brilliantly correct. Within the two months I have been in class Lisa has watched me push emotions and be theatrical on stage. She (along with my wife) have pointed out that when I’m acting, I have this different “acting” persona that’s fake and obvious. It became very clear when I once again performed the “Holden” monologue from Chasing Amy. It was clear that all my attention was on myself and my “emotions” and not trying to connect with the person in the scene. Lisa said it can only be one thing - I don’t think I’m enough. I don’t trust that I can behave truthfully in a scene and have it be interesting. I don’t trust that have the talent or ability to really act. The funny thing is, this is the second time I’ve heard these exact words. My wife and I recently have had a very similar discussion about my acting and how unreal it is at times. I don’t trust that I’m good enough. It’s so very true. So Lisa gave me the homework to look inside myself and try to figure out why I feel this way. She said that until I can figure this out and conquer it, this self-doubt will effect all of my work as an actor and as an artist. So this week I’m suppose to keep a daily journal about acting and my exploration of these feelings.
I started out by looking for audiobooks on confidence and positive thinking. I found “The Power of Positive Thinking” downloaded it and listened to it today at work. There are a lot of good suggestions in this book and one of them is to list out all the fears and negative thoughts that are behind the self-doubt.
So here goes. I release my doubts and fears here:
I don’t think I’m good enough. Maybe I just don’t have the talent or ability to really act.
I do have a complex being Asian. Being Asian has carried a lot of negative stereotypes growing up and I’ve spent most of my life trying to rise above those stereotypes. I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t still affect me.
I feel unattractive. I have a gut, I unknowingly make wierd faces when I act and sometimes I mumble.
I worry that maybe I am a little emotionaly retarded and can’t access my feeings. How am I suppose to be an actor if I can’t access my own feeling?
If I’m completely honest with myself, one of the biggest reasons I’ve pursued acting is for validation. Validation from my peers, validation from the public and validation from my parents that I can be successful in a non-traditional career. Is this a good enough reason to want to be an actor? Probably not. But honestly I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do. I just know I can’t be stuck in front of a computer in some cubicle in an office for the rest of my life. How unfulfilling of a life that would be. I want to experience life and share my experiences with others. I want to be able to touch people with my creative work. I want to learn to express myself completely and fully. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to connect with an audience during a performance a few times and when it happens it’s the best feeling in the world. Nothing can beat it.
So what’s the next step? I dunno. Maybe I’ll write some essays similar to the “Asian Men” workshop. That and I’ll listen to that book again on positive thinking.
I left the casting studio with a big smile on my face today because that was the best audition I’ve had in a long time. It was a commercial audition for Toyota sell-a-thon and I just had to improv being a truck salesman selling a truck to another actor. I felt relaxed, upbeat and was able to come up with cool features on this imaginary truck I was selling - such as hybrid engine technology and directed sound. At the end of the audition the casting director shouted out “great scene! good job guys! that’s exactly what I’m looking for!”
What more could you ask for? Now I just hope the ad execs for Toyota think the same thing when they watch me on tape…
Tonight I edited together all my scenes from GH. Here it is in all it’s glory:
General Hospital
(roll over the black box and click the play button)
I feel like I’m mumbling the words. I know that I swallow my words and sometimes mumble in real life especially when I’m nervous so I think I might look into getting a speech coach
I thnk I have everything back up and running again. Last week I had a bad case of Murphy’s Law with my car in the shop for electrical problems, my laptop disk drive trashed beyond recovery (and no backup), problems with my router dropping connections to the internet, etc, etc. On the positive side, I had an audition for Coke Zero and found a photo of myself on Karman Kruschke’s ad sheet in the casting office. I also had a feeling that one of my General Hospital episodes would air so I had my Tivo taping all last week - and luckily I was right! Friday I appeared on GH busting in on Sam, Jason and Manny Ruiz. Even though I have lines, my screen time was very little. But I have two more scenes that should be airing on Monday and Tuesday. Maybe I’ll get more exposure then.
Tomorrow I have scene study class. I missed last week and honestly haven’t worked on the scene as much as I should have. This is pretty bad since I’m suppose to have this 5 page scene memorized and the blocking completed for class. Luckily I was able to get in a rehearsal today with my scene partner and I was able to memorize the scene. Hopefully our rehearsal today and rehearsal tomorrow before class will save us from being yelled at and lectured about being dedicated to our craft.
Lastly, after hours of rendering this video file using different settings, I finally found the “right” setting for decent looking video. So tonight, airing on the internet for the first time is:
SUPERNOVA
(roll over the black box and click the play button)
This short film was written, directed and shot by Roy Eisenstein. I acted in it, composed the music for it and edited it. Voice over credits go to Roy Eisenstein and Ewan Chung.
Ready to Tanqueray? I sure was when I showed up at the casting studio dressed in my shirt, tie and trendy sport jacket. The audition was easy - “pretend you’re at the most fabulous party in Antarctica listening to a musician play Christmas music using wine glasses”. It’s one of those auditions where it’s all about your luck look. We’ll see if the ad agency thinks I would “fit” the commercial.
I also got called last second for an IBM print ad. They were looking for a professional looking IT person who also looks good wearing boxing gloves. They took 3 pictures and a three minute video interview of each person. I’d hate to be the person who has to go through all that material for 50+ poeple!
Last Friday H and I went to a screening party to view some footage from the indie movie “Mah Jong” where I play the character of “Manny” - a wanna be gambler and hustler who drags the main character back into the world of gambling. The footage looked great and I was happy to see that I did a pretty decent job acting wise especially in my last few scenes. Can’t wait to see the final cut!
Saturday we continued shooting scenes for the comedy pilot “Jake Off”. This time we used my garage and surrounding streets as locations. It was a lot of fun that lasted from 9am - 12.30pm. The hidef footage looks really, really good and we only have a couple more scenes to shoot.
I’m back at the acting studio again! I’m now taking a scene study class and working on a scene from the play Doubt. It’s a really tough scene but I’ve already learned a lot from the past four classes. This class is something I really needed to continue growing as an actor.
On another note, my laptop hard drive crashed HARD. I’m now frantically trying to recover as much data as possible. Luckily I backed up my drive a couple months ago and also saved all my important editing projects to external drives. The lesson I learned: regularly BACKUP your hard drive!!!!